I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
