why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
