ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
