i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
