I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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