Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
