Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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