My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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