The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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