I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
