Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
