What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
