Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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