My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
