If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
