Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
