Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
