I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
