chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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