True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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