i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
