I wish I could teleport
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
