She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
