Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
