im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
