my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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