'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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