I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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