Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
