I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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