Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
