I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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