Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
