No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
