I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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