I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
