went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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