I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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