i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
