is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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