Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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