yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
