u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
