life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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