is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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