i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
