I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
