Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
