she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
