So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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