i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
