I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
