i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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